I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
