what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
