just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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