im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
