No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
