so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
