you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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