Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
