someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Swine flu. Run for my life!
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
