I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
