I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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