you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
