yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
