Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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