Got a toothbrush?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
