when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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