I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Im part way to drunk.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
