glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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