hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
