haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
