my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
