I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
