He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
