My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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