Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
