Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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