I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
