he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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