the condom got lost in my hair
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize