somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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