im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
