My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
