You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
