you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
