Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
