In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
