Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Randomize
