I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
