one two three fourrrrnication!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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