What tipped you off? The sombrero?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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