My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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