Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
