I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
