So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
