Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
