Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
