what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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