I wish I could punch you in the face.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
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