just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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