yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
accomplished twins. life is a go
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
