I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
