so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
