I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
