my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize