my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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