someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
